THE CARIBBEAN  (Mildly Relevant News) - Rosanne Barr recently announced her bid for the Green Party nomination. The question remains: can this pirate’s booty keep the Green Party’s ship afloat or will she sink deeper into the mire of “who cares?”

For more, tune in to the next episode of Mildly Relevant News.

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Watch and subscribe to Mildly Relevant News, new episodes every Monday and Thursday night.

Check out Thursday’s episode: Rick Santorum Gets Frothy and Prop 8 is Repealed
And Monday’s episode: Newt Gingrich Refuses To Accept Reality

Rick Santorum’s frothy-mania sweeps the nation tonight on Mildly Relevant News!

Question: What other frothy mixes are the byproduct of Rick Santorum?

Mildly Relevant Sources:
Santorum get a three state sweep – [cnn.com]
Prop 8 hath been repealed – [huffingtonpost.com]
Pride parade – [scrapetv.com]

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Watch and subscribe to Mildly Relevant News, new episodes every Monday and Thursday night.

Check out Monday’s episode: Newt Gingrich Refuses To Accept Reality
And last Thursday’s episode: Susan G. Komen BITCH SLAPS Planned Parenthood

IRONY, CALIFORNIA (Mildly Relevant News) – Controversial Prop 8 was repealed by the high courts of California on the same day the homiest of homophobes, Rick Santorum, won three Republican primaries. God Himself could barely contain himself, saying “Even I can’t make this shit up” as he let out a thunderous laugh.

For more, tune in to tomorrow night’s episode of Mildly Relevant News.

Photo: rickey.org

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Watch and subscribe to Mildly Relevant News, new episodes every Monday and Thursday night.

Check out Monday’s episode: Newt Gingrich Refuses To Accept Reality
And Thursday’s episode: Susan G. Komen BITCH SLAPS Planned Parenthood

Newt Gingrich refuses to drop out of the Republican Primary and New York takes on New England in Super Bowl 46. It’s always great to see two cities starving for a championship go after it. And I couldn’t possibly feel more sarcastic.

Question: On what planet will Newt Gingrich give his concession speech?

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Watch and subscribe to Mildly Relevant News, new episodes every Monday and Thursday night.

Check out Thursday’s episode: Susan G. Komen BITCH SLAPS Planned Parenthood

Super Bowl XLVI was one for the ages. Eli Manning and the New York Football Giants once again dismantled one of the greatest coach-quarterback tandems in NFL history of Bill Belichick and Tom Brady. But as a television experience, the Madonna halftime show weighed down what should be considered as one of the greatest Super Bowls of all-time.

First of all… Why? Why in name of all that is holy does the Super Bowl insist on throwing pop sensations onto the stage in front of football fans? “Vogue” isn’t exactly a song that comes to mind when I think of a 300-plus pound lineman tearing Tom Brady’s head off. Let’s take a look at some of the lyrics.

Look around everywhere you turn is heartache.

It’s everywhere that you go.

You try everything you can to escape…

The pain of life that you know.

I suppose that might be how the Patriots are feeling right now, but it’s a classic case of “fish out of water,” and it doesn’t belong in the middle of one of the biggest sporting events on Earth. How they’re able to generate the cheers they do during the performance is beyond me, because I simply can’t picture a 45-year old guy getting excited bout Madonna doing a cartwheel in 5-inch heels.

The best thing that happened to the Super Bowl halftime show was the 2004 fiasco when Justin Timberlake “accidentally” revealed a certain part of Janet Jackson’s anatomy. This scared network executives from showcasing anything even remotely “sexy,” setting up a return to the Super Bowl’s rock ‘n roll roots with Paul McCartney in 2005. The Rolling Stones, Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers, Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band and The Who followed in years to come. Prince made an interesting appearance as the headliner in 2007, but all was forgiven when execs brought Tom Petty in the following year.

Then all Hell broke loose when loose with The Black Peas and Usher soiling Slash’s awesomeness in 2011 in Arlington, Texas. This was the first time a theme was put in place by the performer. For the aforementioned Peas, their performance was based off the film Tron: Legacy. Last night’s Madonna-palooza’s theme was “polytheism.” Yes, polytheism. The belief in multiple deities within mythology and modern day religions, like Hinduism, Buddhism and Shintoism. An interesting topic in of itself, but what in God’s name (no pun intended) does this have to do with the Giants and Patriots clashing over the Lombardi Trophy?

My prediction is that the Super Bowl will return once again to the safety net of good ole fashioned rock n roll after singer M.I.A. was caught flipping the bird during the last night’s broadcast. Not quite the nipple-gate of 2004, but no doubt it’s enough to force network execs to see what the Foo Fighters are up to next year.

The urge to delete my Foursquare account suddenly came over me, like a brainwashing spell had lost its hold on me. “I have a Foursquare account,” I thought to myself. “Why?” I couldn’t come up with an answer that wasn’t absurdly creepy, so I’m deleting my account.

Think about it. What the Hell is Foursquare for? It lets people know where you are or where you were and at approximately what time. It allows you to virtually stalk people more than Facebook already lets you legally get away with. How am I just realizing how profoundly disturbing the practice of Forusquare-ing is?

And that’s not all. Foursquare makes you feel obligated to check in, even if you don’t necessarily want people to know where you are. I used to tell myself that it helped me remember what restaurants and breweries I visited while traveling, but that logic couldn’t be more ridiculous. It’s the 21st century. Methinks I can find other ways to record what places I visited in different cities.

Last but not least, Foursquare compels you to be the “mayor” of certain places. Why? So your mug shows up for even more people to see? I’d find myself trying to remember to check in, so I could continue being the mayor of my apartment building and office. And my grand prize? Points. A random jumbling of points. Can I pay off debt with these magical Foursquare points? No. How about a nice pair of earrings for the lady? Nope. Not even a grossly over-sized breakfast burrito? Not even. The points are as valueless as a Carlos Baerga rookie card – the most obscure reference I could think of at the time of writing and my favorite baseball player. All these points allow me to do is show other people how much creepier and sad I am than they are.

Enough is enough. I’m not letting this unholy app run my life any longer.

Delete.

You can now find me on Untappd, an app that allows you to “check in” to new beers, bars and breweries without the instantaneous announcement to nearby friends. My kind of app.

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Watch and subscribe to Mildly Relevant News, new episodes every Monday and Thursday night.

Check out Monday’s episode: Mitt Romney Posthumously Converts Father-in-Law to Mormonism

And Thursday’s episode: Susan G. Komen BITCH SLAPS Planned Parenthood

Susan G. Komen pulls their funding from Planned Parenthood. Good thing they don’t need any donations from women.

Mildly Relevant Sources
Komen drops Planned Parenthood – [Forbes]
Why Komen dropped Planned Parenthood – [America Blog]
Kome sues “For The Cure” – [Huffington Post]

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Watch and subscribe to Mildly Relevant News, new episodes every Monday and Thursday night.

Check out Monday’s episode: Mitt Romney Posthumously Converts Father-in-Law to Mormonism

Black History Month is an important time of year regardless of race. Sadly, a significant chunk of that history is filled with slavery, racism and modern inequality. But things have gotten better. For one, black people are no longer slaves. So that’s good. Black folks are allowed to drink at any damn water fountain they please and they obviously have the right to vote and run for political office.

Yet with their myriad of accomplishments, they still managed to get screwed by having the month of February labeled as Black History Month. The month of cold weather, Groundhog Day and the vomit-inducing Valentine’s Day. Hell, even Martin Luther King Day is in a different month. How the fuck did this happen, black people? Does the Al Roker of the animal kingdom really belong next to the accomplishments of Frederick Douglass? Should we really be talking about some stupid baby in a diaper, flying around with a bow and arrow the same time as remembering the heroism of Rosa Parks? I hope the answer is a resounding, “NO!”

Now’s the time, my brothers. And I’m not saying that in the awkward way Rick Perry did to Herman Cain months ago. I’m saying it as someone who is a dork for history and doesn’t want to see it tarnished by focusing attention on two of the most pointless holidays in the year during your month. I suggest you begin organizing and finding a way to select a new month for Black History Month.

Hell, make a new month and call it your own. Blackuary, perhaps? Given what African-Americans have been through in the United States, you’re entitled to at least one month out of the year where you can do whatever you want. Might I suggest making every day a weekend? You can even create holidays within your month. It’d Black History Month on crack! I MEAN… It’d be a Black History Month bonus.

You have my support, African-American community. And considering the inequality that still exist on many levels of society, it doesn’t hurt to have an All-American white guy on your side.

Photo: chronicle.northcoastnow.com

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Watch and subscribe to Mildly Relevant News, new episodes every Monday and Thursday night.

Check out Monday’s episode: Mitt Romney Posthumously Converts Father-in-Law to Mormonism

YOUTUBE, MRN (Mildly Relevant News) – The Mormon community was stunned to wake up this morning to their brand new religion, Sikhism. The worldwide conversion came at the hands of YouTube user AakeTraak in response to the Mormon practice of posthumously converting folks to Mormonism after it was revealed Mitt Romney had the practice done to his dead father-in-law. “I just converted all living Mormons to Sikhs,” said AakeTraak. “Yes, I can do that.”

Early fictional polls indicate a whopping 95% of Mormons have never heard of the Punjabi religion with the remaining 5% asking, “Is that one of the turban ones?” Republican front runner, Mitt Romney, retroactively lost his New Hampshire and Florida Primary wins after voters heard of his conversion. Unfamiliar with Sikishm, voters decided it was close enough to Islam (y’know, on account of the turban) and decided they don’t want a Muslim to replace a Muslim president.

Newt Gingrich pounced on the opportunity, calling Punjabi the “language of the ghetto.” Meanwhile, Rick Santorum has been busy figuring out how “the gays” are perceived in Sikishm as Ron Paul continues to giggle like Papa Smurf, because “‘Punjab’ sounds naughty.”

In response, former leaders of the Mormon community have struck back with the following statement.

“The mainstream media has misrepresented the practice of posthumous conversions for years. Simply performing the rituals to a living stand-in does not in of itself make the deceased a Mormon. It simply gives them the choice in the after life to accept or decline becoming a Mormon. This is hardly splitting hairs, nor is it nearly as creepy as some have made it out to be.”

More fictional polls indicate a majority of Americans still find the practice incredibly creepy.

“I welcome the mass conversion,” said 42-year old random guy on the street, Guy Random. “At least a Sikh hasn’t knocked on my door at eight in the morning on a Saturday, asking if I’ve found Christ.”

Photo: bizzyblanco.com

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Watch and subscribe to Mildly Relevant News, new episodes every Monday and Thursday night.

Check out Monday’s episode: Mitt Romney Posthumously Converts Father-in-Law to Mormonism

Tonight on Mildly Relevant News, Mitt Romney has his way with his dead father-in-law’s soul. And he didn’t even buy it breakfast.

Mildly Relevant Sources
Sources confirm Mitt Romney converted dead Father-in-Law – [Gawker]

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