Continue reading »]]> The legend of Robin Hood can be viewed as a reassurance of one’s political ideology. This comes as no surprise, since most partisan ideologues only allow reality to be as it fits their worldview. But Robin Hood has all the makings of a political hero. He robbed the rich to feed the poor and there were taxes and stuff. Depending on your political leanings, you probably view the legend differently. Below details what I surmise a Democrat, Libertarian and Republican would have to say about Sir Robin of Locksley.

Democrats: In a world where the very rich have created a class divide the likes of which the world has never seen, Robin Hood seeks to bring justice for the very poor back into society. Occupy Sherwood, if you will. King John wishes to bankrupt his nation in order to pay for foolish wars across the world rather than feed those who cannot afford a loaf of bread. Robin Hood fights for an England where the disenfranchised have just as much as right as those who believe they were ordained by God Himself to lead. He also supports a woman’s right to choose.

Libertarians: After battling with King Richard in the Crusades for 10 years, Robin Hood sees firsthand the pointlessness of war. “Why do we feel the need to police the world?” he frequently asked himself. Shortly after returning to England, King John appointed the infamous Sheriff of Nottingham to the job of collecting taxes in order to pay for his brother’s Crusade. Robin Hood couldn’t understand why the King felt entitled to one cent of a man’s wages. He also couldn’t understand the need for the bureaucratic nonsense of employing a sheriff with the people’s hard earned money. Fed up, Robin Hood and his Merry Men sought to sabotage King John’s sheriff until taxes were a thing of the past along with his countless, bloody feuds with France. Oh, and he was cool with gay people getting married and smoking pot at the reception.

Republicans: Socialist-Commie. Fuck, Robin Hood.

Photo: newsrealblog.com

Continue reading »]]>

A Fox News guest calls Warren Buffet a disgrace and François Hollande gets struck by lighting. Some call it a bad omen, I say it was Socialist Zeus spreading the electricity around.

Question: Is Warren Buffett disgraceful?

Sources
White House: ‘Buffett Rule’ Not About Paying Down Debt – [youtube.com/FoxNewsChannel]
French President François Hollande, The Inauguration Ceremony – [youtube.com]
Lightning Hits French President Hollande’s Plane – [cnbc.com]

—————————

Watch and subscribe to Mildly Relevant News, new episodes every Monday, Wednesday and Thursday night.

Continue reading »]]> Earlier this week, I stumbled across a bona fide copy of “The Homoxeual Agenda.” Now America can finally know what the gay community is really up to:

6:00 am – 6:30 am: Work out. I need to be muscular to prepare for when I receive the command to squish all straight people’s heads with my chiseled back muscles alone.

7:15 am: Drink protein shake.

7:25 am: Cackle maniacally.

8:00 am: Arrive at high school where I, posing as the school’s drama teacher, have been sent to corrupt the vulnerable minds of America’s youth.

8:20 am–10:00 am: In acting class, say things like, “Really nice portrayal of Willy Loman, Robert, but let’s try it again, this time in a lipstick. Oh, and always remember to lisp.”

10:15 am: Finalize choreography for Evita. Cackle maniacally.

12:30 pm: Drink protein shake.

1:00 pm – 3:00 pm: In theatre history class, try to repeat the word “evolution” as often and as subliminally as possible.

4:53 pm: On bus ride home, sit next to older conservative man. Offensively project my aura of homosexuality.

5:43 pm: Swat fly not because it’s an insect but because I know it’s a heterosexual.

6:00 pm: Recharge gay energies by eating salad and tofu hot dogs.

6:30 pm – 8:30 pm: The gay community has a conference call with The Elders of Zion. Time to coordinate conspiracies.

9:00 pm – 10:00 pm: Watch Glee. Decipher the code words to receive orders from Beelzebub.

10:30 pm – 6:00 am: Have gay sex. Cackle maniacally. Never sleep.

Photo: remotepatrolled.com

Continue reading »]]>

Allen West says discrimination don’t happen here as Virginia boldly shows… yes, yes it does. TONIGHT on Mildly Relevant News.

Question: What else don’t happen in this here America?

Sources
Amendment One Passes – [joemygod.blogspot.com]
Gay Romney Donor Jumps Ship – [thedailybeast.com]
Allen West On LGBT Workplace Discrimination – [crooksandliars.com]
Gay Judicial Nominee Defeated By GOP-Controlled House In Virginia – [youtube.com/TheYoungTurks]

—————————

Watch and subscribe to Mildly Relevant News, new episodes every Monday, Wednesday and Thursday night.

Continue reading »]]>

Jamie Dimon, Mitt Romney and same-sex marriage. It’s a menage a tois where a sh*tload of money is lost on screwing people.

Question: When is the opportune time to lose $2 billion in risky trading?

Sources
JPMorgan Chase Shakes Up Wall Street and Capitol Hill – [cnn.com]
Jamie Dimon On Meet The Press – [msnbc.com]

—————————

Crew
Host, Writer – Joe Baur
Tea Party Report – Susie Sampson
Senior Video Editor – Remy Gareau
Associate Video Editor – Alec Shriver
www.AranayFilms.com

—————————

Watch and subscribe to Mildly Relevant News, new episodes every Monday, Wednesday and Thursday night.

Continue reading »]]> This is the second in a series of dispatches from the last days of the Newt Gingrich campaign. Part one can be found here.

Gingrich's paymaster Sheldon Adelson, shown here describing the bridge he lives under

After my initial foray into the dark world that was the Gingrich campaign I needed some time to think about what I had been witness to, so I beat a hasty retreat to my hotel room. That night, most of which I spent curled up in the fetal position, a bottle of Jack Daniels cradled in my arms, was one of reflection. Deep and abiding Fear penetrated my every thought. What had I gotten myself into? Where would this odyssey take me? So far I had encountered only madness. Was that all I was to find, or would there be some profound truth lying at the end of the road? Part of me didn’t want to find out those answers. Several times throughout the night I was tempted to get back in my car and return from whence I came. But in the end, my journalistic resolve took over and I decided to continue in my quest. After a fitful night of sleep, one that saw my unconscious mind pulled into any number of bizarre nightmares, I awoke somewhat refreshed, ready to take on whatever indignities the campaign had to throw at me.

Newt Fun Fact #2: Newt’s bologna has a first name. And a last name. It’s Melvin Vanderslice. Newt has a very close relationship with his bologna.

When I returned to Gingrich headquarters the next day, there was a tangible pall cast over the entire place. His secret service detail, which was running taxpayers $40,000 a day, had apparently decided they were more useful guarding the low rent strip club down the street, making access a bit easier than it was my first visit. The dozen or so staffers who still remained with the campaign sat at their desks, their faces blank and their mouths agape, having just heard the news that the campaign’s $500 check to cover the registration costs for Utah’s Republican primary had bounced. Even the most delusional among Newt’s cadre knew this development probably signaled the end of their run. It was so bad that the ever cheerful Tammy was huddled in a corner, dry sobbing. Although, that might have just been the meth.

Even worse, Sheldon Adelson, billionaire casino magnate, Israel’s answer to Rupert Murdoch, and Newt’s personal bankroll, who had donated more than ten million dollars of his fortune to the cause, was set to arrive that day to check up on his investment, and the mere mention of his name caused people to reel in disgust. Don’t get me wrong, you could tell everyone there was grateful for his largesse, but his physical appearance, which can only be described as akin to that of an evil troll from some long forgotten fairy tale, was enough to stir up hyper paranoia in even the most stoic of men. Some people were even blaming Tammy for his coming, claiming she had spoken his name thrice into the office’s scum-stained bathroom mirror.

To prepare for his impending arrival, workers had been in that morning to install a roulette table in one corner of the office, and now a small group of hardcore degenerate gamblers, along with a few of the more hardy campaign volunteers, were firmly ensconced around it, yelling out combinations of numbers in between issuing physical threats to the croupier. It appeared Adelson had soured on his investment and was now angling to recoup some of his losses in the only manner an inveterate swindler like him knew how.

Newt Fun Fact #3: A stickler for personal appearance, Newt has his jowls pumiced twice a week.

While I was hanging around, after I lost my advance money at the roulette table, I met a young man named Jerry. At 15-years-old, Jerry had joined the campaign through Gingrich’s internship program. Unable to gain traction with his plan to hire and train high school students to be janitors at their schools, Newt nonetheless felt so strongly about the idea that he started a pilot program within his own organization (The real impetus may have come from a dispute the campaign was embroiled in with the cleaning company they hired. One night, as Newt was practicing a speech on illegal immigration that was filled with some especially acidic vitriol, a couple of Mexican women on the cleaning crew overheard his xenophobic rantings and refused to work there again).

Custom work from Tiffany's

So it fell to Jerry, and a couple of other members of the Young Republicans club at his area high school, who were brought into the fold ostensibly as youth outreach coordinators, but soon found themselves working nights mopping Newt’s spittle off the floors and scouring pots clean in the kitchenette. I was surprised that Jerry had stuck around this long considering his friends had quit after a couple of days. When I asked him about this he looked back at me, a glazed over expression in his eyes, and repeated, like a mantra, “Because he’s the only true conservative running for President.” When I asked him to explain what he meant by that, Jerry answered with that same refrain over and over again. I found out later that one of the other Young Republicans had slipped some acid into the Jerry’s orange juice their first night working janitorial duties, resulting in Jerry suffering a complete break from reality.

Newt Fun Fact #4: Newt’s $500,000 line of credit at Tiffany’s may seem ostentatious at first, but when you lay eyes on the sweet, diamond-encrusted mouth grill he purchased there I think you’ll agree it was worth every penny.

To be continued…

Photo: revolutionpac.com

Continue reading »]]> Spider-Man from this summer’s The Amazing Spider-Man (also known as Andrew Garfield, also known as Eduardo Saverin from The Social Network, also known as Mark Zuckerberg’s Facebook co-founder) has renounced his American citizenship.

Eduardo Saverin, the billionaire co- founder of Facebook Inc. (FB) (FB), renounced his U.S. citizenship before an initial public offering that values the social network at as much as $96 billion, a move that may reduce his tax bill.

Upon reading this news, I had a similar epiphany as Zuckerberg as depicted in The Social Network. In the film there is a scene where a friend of Zuckerberg asks him if a girl is single. This gives him the idea of creating a “relationship status,” so horny college co-eds would know who is (relatively) safe to bang.

With Saverin’s renouncement, this begs the addition of “citizenship status” to keep up with the ever-changing citizenships of the world’s billionaires. But as Americans uncomfortable with all things foreign, this allows us to keep track of true patriots. From now on, it will be easier for you to ensure you have a 100% American made friend list.

Toby Keith and Mike Rowe would be proud.

Source: businessweek.com
Photo: moviecultists.com

Continue reading »]]> When Barack Obama became the first sitting American president to endorse same-sex marriage, Romney Co. celebrated with a game of elephant croquet. It was the fuel his camp needed to get those fire-breathing social conservatives out of the closet (pun absolutely intended) to vote Republican this fall. But the celebration was short-lived as the news of Mitt Romney’s gay-bullying in prep school was leaked to the press just a day after the President’s historic/not-historic announcement.

A high school classmate of presidential candidate Mitt Romney told ABC News today that he considers a particular prank the two pulled at Michigan’s Cranbrook School to be “assault and battery” and that he witnessed Romney hold the scissors to cut the hair of a student who was being physically pinned to the ground by several others.

“It’s a haunting memory.  I think it was for everybody that spoke up about it …  because when you see somebody who is simply different taken down that way and is terrified and you see that look in their eye you never forget it.  And that was what we all walked away with,” said Phillip Maxwell, who is now an attorney and still considers Romney an old friend.

Meanwhile in talking-head-land, pundits are pondering aloud the curious timing of this story. Some believe the move was a solid display of political chess, while others claim it’s the type of story that discourages good people from running for public office

If anything, Romney’s status as a presidential contender should prove reassuring for those with political aspirations, but worry that their college orgy with a still unknown number of participants will be leaked. If Romney can commit what’s now known as a hate crime and still have a chance to become one of the most powerful people in the world, surely voters will forgive rampant hormones.

Since the news of potential bullying, a much more sober Romney has come out to admit he’s done stupid things in the past. However, he doesn’t remember this particular event. Because holding someone down and cutting their hair for being gay is a tough thing to commit to memory. Regardless, he has since sincerely apologized to anyone he might have offended during that time he doesn’t really remember.

Source: abcnews.com
Photo: abcnews.com

Continue reading »]]>

President Obama evolves toward same-sex marriage. Meanwhile, social conservatives voice their opposition to evolving.

Question: Does Romney deserve an ounce of credit?

Sources
Reading Literacy – [nationmaster.com]
U.S. Ranks 25th as Place for Moms – [dailyherald.com]
U.S. Ranks 33rd in Acceptance of Evolution – [rankingamerica.wordpress.com]
Mitt Romney Takes Credit For Auto Recovery – [newsnet5.com]

—————————

Watch and subscribe to Mildly Relevant News, new episodes every Monday, Wednesday and Thursday night.

Continue reading »]]>

Two Republicans. Two very different Ohio’s as the Buckeye state gets a Jekyll and Hyde makeover. I just hope Brutus keeps his top on in the Ms. Hyde remake.

Question: What won’t Romney say to get elected?

Sources
Romney Issues Ohio Challenge To Obama – [cleveland.com]
Gov. Kasich: New Energy Jobs For Ohioans – [youtube.com/GovernorJohnKasich]
A JobsOhio Success Story – [youtube.com/GovernorJohnKasich]

—————————

Watch and subscribe to Mildly Relevant News, new episodes every Monday, Wednesday and Thursday night.