The best part of Obama Inauguration Redux is that it was much easier to get a ticket this time around. The worst part was having to witness firsthand the death of the American Dream.
In a world where Commandante Obama has been given the mandate to take over our country’s healthcare system, confiscate our guns, foist homosexuality onto the military, and force our children to eat vegetables, it comes as no surprise that he called for furthering his radical, fascist, communist, progressive agenda in his inauguration address on Monday. Standing in the shadow of the ghost of Martin Luther King, Jr., who surely would have been in favor of unlimited access to guns as well as continued economic inequality (How do I know what MLK would think about these topics? I just do, okay.), Supreme Commander Barack let loose a tirade about “We, the people”, using that phrase to validate any revolutionary measure he saw fit.
This country, which was founded by the greatest thinkers to ever walk the face of the Earth, whose words and ideas are so entirely sacrosanct that, like the Bible and an Ikea instructions manual, they should never be questioned no matter how much time has passed since they were first set down, is about to run completely off the rails. Out of control deficits, illegal aliens running wild, taking the bus boy and fruit picking jobs real Americans so desperately want and need, half the country feeling entitled to be on the dole. These are just a few of the factors pointing to the end of America as we know it.
Now, there are some who would say that while the system may be broken El Presidente is working to find solutions to the problems at hand, that he is trying to find common ground in a divided country, that he is looking for common sense compromises to solve issues that have plagued this nation for decades. To those Pinkos I would say, so was Hitler. That’s right, you heard me, Hitler. Stalin, too. And Mao. They all tried the same crap. And look where that got ‘em.
Others might complain that those who denigrate Chairman Obama are ignorant or stuck in the past or, god forbid, racist. That last one sticks in my craw most of all. Let me tell you something, I’ve got black friends. There’s Jerome who bags my groceries down at the Piggly-Wiggly. He and I once had a talk about the weather. There’s my mailman, Thomas (at least, I think that’s his name). I left him a nice Christmas card a couple years ago with a twenty stuck in it. And the last time I did my taxes, about four years ago, a black fella named Clarence was the CPA at H & R Block who handled my paperwork. There, you see, I’m no racist. I’m just a concerned citizen who doesn’t think anything our current Vice Chancellor has done in the past four years, or will do in the ensuing four years, no matter how rational, practical, or pragmatic, will be in any way worthwhile to our democracy.
As a matter of fact, I’m so sure he’s at the heart of a government conspiracy to usurp our freedom that I am starting a militant group with the goal of igniting a coup to retake our country from the vile lefties who are now entrenched in power. Sure, if we succeed there may be a few years where we have to rule under marshall law, and there might be some spying on American citizens to ensure their loyalty to our cause, and we might have to invade a couple of countries to show the rest of the world that we mean business, but all of that will come to an end rather quickly, and before you know it we’ll be back to the Leave it to Beaver-Apple Pie America we all love so dearly. America will regain its rightful place at the head of the world table. And best of all, there won’t be any queers allowed.