Last week in response to the Newtown massacre, N.R.A. vice president Wayne LaPierre gave a speech in which he said, “The only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun.” He then went on to call for armed guards in every school in America.
While most people reacted to those statements with incredulous disdain, I’m willing to give Mr. LaPierre the benefit of the doubt. Maybe having “good guys” with guns in our schools is the solution. The question then is, how do we ensure that the armed guards we put in our schools are, in fact, “good guys”, i.e., how do we filter the “good” from the “bad”?
Luckily, the N.R.A. has answers to those questions in the form of a new test they’ve developed. Using some of my contacts within the organization, I was able to get my hands on a copy, which I’ve posted below. Take it yourself. Are you a “good guy”? Should you be on armed patrol in our nation’s schools?
N.R.A. “Good Guys With Guns” Test
1. When you watch Star Wars, for whom do you cheer?
a) Luke Skywalker
b) Darth Vader
2. How long have you been a member of the N.R.A.?
a) 0-5 years
b) 6-10 years
c) 11-20 years
d) I shot me a ‘bar’ when I was only three
3. How often do you find yourself wanting to arbitrarily shoot someone(s)?
4. Have you seen the feature length comedy film, “The Good Guys”, starring Mark Wahlberg and Will Ferrell?
5. If you answered ‘Yes’, to which character did you feel more of a kinship toward?
a) Mark Wahlberg’s character
b) Will Ferrell’s character
6. If someone with a gun walked into the school you were protecting, which of these actions would you be more likely to take?
a) Walk up to gunman and say, “Hey, cool, I’ve got one of those at home, too,” then talk shop with them
b) Ask to see their concealed carry permit
c) Eliminate them with extreme prejudice
7. As an armed security guard, what would be your weapon of choice?
a) Semi-automatic assault rifle
b) Fully-automatic assault rifle
8. If you found a gun in a student’s locker, what would you do?
a) Report the student to school administration
b) Pull the student aside and have a conversation with them about joining the N.R.A.
c) Steal the gun and add it to your personal collection
9. If you were to become an armed security officer in our nation’s schools, how often do you think you would abuse your power?
10. How old must a student be before you would be willing to fatally shoot them in defense of your school?
a) At least 18
b) At least 16
c) At least 14
d) If there’s grass on the field…
11. When people speak of you, do they describe you as a “really nice guy (or girl)”?
c) People rarely speak of me, because I spend most of my time in my basement avoiding public places
12. How often do you play violent video games?
a) Less than one hour per day
b) 1-3 hours per day
c) 4-6 hours per day
d) Does “Angry Birds” count?
13. Have you ever experienced any of the following traumatic life events?
a) Bullied as a child
b) Ostracized by fellow students when in school
c) Abused or demeaned by an authority figure
d) None of the above
14. Which of the following is your favorite comic book character?
d) The Punisher
15. As we all know, the mainstream media bears much more responsibility for violence in schools than any other factor. That being said, what are your feelings toward the mainstream media?
a) I’m a frequent viewer and/or reader of mainstream media
b) I generally avoid mainstream media, but I do watch Fox News
c) I’ve drawn up a detailed plan to assassinate Piers Morgan
16. Which of the following would you describe as your personal hero?
a) 1970s Ted Nugent
b) 1980s Ted Nugent
c) 1990s Ted Nugent
d) Post-2000 Ted Nugent
Correct Answers: 1. a; 2. b, c, or d; 3. any answer; 4. a; 5. a; 6. b or c; 7. either answer; 8. a or b; 9. a, b, or c; 10. c; 11. a or c; 12. a, b, or d; 13. d; 14. b or d; 15. b or c; 16. All of the above are correct.
There you have it. Are you ready to join the N.R.A.’s task force of armed school security guards? If so, address all inquiries to:
National Rifle Association of America
11250 Waples Mill Road
Fairfax, VA 22030
Attn: Wayne LaPierre