There are two two-word combinations that, for the sake of America, must be obliterated from the national lexicon. The first is, “Donald Trump”. The second is, “Twitter Controversy”. Forget taxes, global warming, government efficiency, and immigration. By eliminating these two phrases (or whatever they should be called besides phrases, let’s say, “wild hallucinations”, “examples of the failing of modern society”, I’ll leave it to you, the reader, to come up with your own) I truly believe our national healing will come in a much faster and smoother fashion.
Of course, the impetus for this denunciation comes from what *Name Omitted* twatted on election night. By now many of you have seen or read some examples of his psychotic ramblings. I will not further bore you or upset your sanity by repeating them (but you can find them here). As I watched this story unfold, the first thought that came to my mind was not, “I can’t believe what this guy is saying”, or, “Typical *Name Omitted*”, it was, “Why the hell is this guy still somehow relevant?” Of all the asinine examples of America’s pop culture universe, *Name Omitted* might top the charts. Yes, even ahead of Honey Boo-Boo. (Incidentally, would someone please explain to me what a Honey Boo-Boo is?)
I recall as a child, in the eighties, when *Name Omitted* first became a celebrity of sorts. He was a slightly younger version of the buffoon we all know and hate today, but instead of being a political figure he was just some asshole millionaire slumlord born with a platinum spoon in his mouth who thought that entitled him to be on TV all the time (the more things change, the more they stay the same). Yet, for some reason, we haven’t gotten off this train yet. It’s like some sort of national masochistic purgatorial torture. This is a man(?) who should have been relegated to the trash bin of pop culture history long ago. Let’s hope that someday soon he, his glowing orange sheen, and the dead, dyed muskrat he keeps atop his head will stop bothering us.
As for the term, “Twitter Controversy”, let me just say that I don’t have a problem with Twitter, per se. I actually have an account on there that I occasionally, when drunk and lonely late at night, update. If people want to spew out shallow, useless, flim-flam at 140 characters per attempt, more power to them. However, the fact that anything anyone says on that site rises to the level of controversy continually amazes me. Who cares what some celebutard or athlete has to say about their upcoming movie, sporting event, or birth of another illegitimate child. There’s a reason old-school journalists never used this type of material in their reporting; because it’s relevance is so minute as to not even warrant consideration. It actually falls to the level of negative-relevance, which, coupled with actual relevance, should be enough to power the warp drive on the U.S.S. Enterprise (that’s a dorky Star Trek reference for anyone who’s interested).
What may be the craziest thing about this artificial uproar is that *Name Omitted’s* Twitter page actually features some of his least controversial twats. If you want to see the down and dirty that *Name Omitted* has to offer you have to check out his Toupee’s Twitter account, which is only available to special “Gold Twitter Subscribers”. Fortunately for the readers of Mildly Relevant, I have access to that account. Here are some samples.
Tweets From Trump’s Toupee (@MuskratLove)
- Today, I, Donald Trump’s Toupee, am calling on President Obama to release Sasha and Mahlia’s fourth grade report cards. Step up, Mr. President. If you do I’ll donate a ham sandwich to the charity of your choice.
- Breaking news: President Obama is not black. He actually suffered a tragic tanning bed accident fifteen years ago. I have this on the authority of my super secret sources (aka, my own tanning specialist).
- Just because I voted for Romney doesn’t make me a loser. Would a loser be close personal friends with Sarah Palin AND Rudy Giuliani?
- I don’t see why Rosie O’Donnell is so upset about getting cancer. With chemo she’ll finally be able to lose some weight.
- I hope you’re all happy Obama’s been re-elected. Now I won’t be able to tear down the Washington monument and build the biggest, classiest, greatest golf course D.C. has ever seen.