Mitt’s Night of Fun-Raising

The dominant headline in the election over the past couple of days has been about remarks Republican candidate Mitt Romney made at a fundraiser back in May. In the portions of the video that have been released, Romney describes the 47 percent of people in this country who don’t pay income tax as freeloaders, among other disparaging comments, while also going on to level thinly veiled insults at Latinos. As the story has spiraled out of control for the Romney campaign, the candidate himself has come out and said that his remarks had been taken out of context (imagine the gall of someone taking a presidential candidate’s comments out of context and shaping them to their own political ends, says one of the people at the Republican National Convention who was carrying a “We Built That” sign). He has gone on to call for the rest of the video from that fundraiser to be made public.

Fortunately for the lucky readers of Mildly Relevant News, yours truly was there that night, having won a seat at the $50,000 a plate fundraiser in a poker game with Donald Trump. Now, I wasn’t able to sneak any recording equipment into the event, but I did take extensive notes. And I have to say, given the views he expressed about many other groups in this country and abroad, I’m not sure Mr. Romney should be so keen on getting the rest of this information out into the public sphere. Here is my annotated version of the rest of Mitt’s speech that night.

On Black People
After talking about how it would be easier for him to be elected if he were Latino, Romney went on to talk about how it would be even easier if he were black, saying:

“I mean, think about it. If I was black, they couldn’t play this whole race card thing on me, even if I want to pursue a set of policies that will set black people in this country back forty years. Plus, I would be a really good dancer and singer, and all those times I decided to sing “America the Beautiful” at campaign rallies wouldn’t have come across so awkwardly.”

On Women
“Women in this country have become disillusioned with some of the ideas coming out of the Republican party. So, it’s a good thing we couldn’t care less what women have to say. Am I right? Get back in the kitchen, sweetheart.”

He then paraphrased a popular Snoop Dog rap lyric, substituting for the swear words to appease his Mormon God, saying: “Women of ill-repute aren’t fecal matter, but harlots and tricks.” Then he pulled the mic out of the podium, dropped it on the floor gangsta-style, bowed his head, and threw a kiss to the crowd.

On Jews
“Let’s face it, folks, if we’re ever going to bring about the Second Coming, we need to get cracking on forcing all the Jews into Israel and protecting them with all the might of the American military, until such time as the Lord returns to earth, devours the unbelievers in a rain of fire and brimstone, then damns them to eternal pain and misery. Which will be kind of a double whammy, because not only will Jesus have returned, ushering in a thousand years of glory and peace, but with the Jews out of the way we’ll be able to take back control of the banks.”

On Muslims
Woah, I’m not touching that one with a ten-foot pole. Those Muslims are known to be kinda touchy.

On Asians
“Does anyone know why these people are so good at math? I think we should hire a few to work on this budget problem for us. I certainly don’t have any concrete ideas about how to deal with it.”

On Ewoks
“While most people always thought they were really cute, those little buggers scared the heck out of me. They spoke a foreign language, so they’re obviously illegal immigrants. And they definitely had a socialist agenda. Not once in the whole movie do you see an Ewok creating a job. Even when they were building all those spears and traps to defeat the Empire, they’re all working on everything together.”

“And that religion they have? Worshiping C-3PO as a golden God? Come on, who would believe in something as capricious as a golden man who floated down from the heavens? That’s like taking the word of a 19th century farmer in New York state who says the word of God was revealed to him when he looked at some scrolls in a magical hat, and that those scrolls told him Jesus had visited America thousands of years ago. That’s just silly.”

On Rich People
Mr. Romney didn’t really talk about his feelings on rich people. He just went around the room high-fiving everyone with his right hand while carrying a fistful of burning hundred dollar bills in his left.

That was about it for his time at the podium. At least, that’s all I could stand. By the time he was finishing up I was already drunk off of expensive champagne, and there was a rumor going around that Laura Ingram and Chris Wallace were outside smoking a bone. Sadly, what I took for a reference to them toking a joint was an actual description of their activities. The two of them had found a homeless man out front, and after buying his femur off him, were slowly roasting it over an open fire in the parking lot.