August’s jobs report came out today, revealing 96,000 jobs added to the economy last month. The number is lower than expected and comes less than 12 hours after former Governor Jennifer Granholm convulsed on the DNC stage, while announcing job gains in a variety of states thanks to President Obama.
No doubt both sides are hurrying campaign messages to their surrogates regarding this latest jobs report. In order to save you some time, I’ve compiled a list of messages politicos will be regurgitating in the next few weeks.
Republicans
- This President’s failed policies are reflected in August’s heartbreaking jobs report.
- Next year’s August jobs report will look much better when Americans elect Governor Romney this November. (Note: Offer no specifics as to how exactly a Romney administration will achieve a stronger jobs outlook. We’re still working on that. So just promise we’re going to make America stronger… and stuff).
- Ad-lib about how President Obama must think a jobs report is like a round of golf, because he keeps getting lower numbers and defending it.
Democrats
- If Republicans would have had their way, God knows how many fewer jobs we would have added in August. (Note: Please don’t forget to say “God”).
- Give the President four more years and he will turn these numbers around by… (include specific policies, but side-step questions regarding how we will pass these policies with an obstructionist opposition).
- 96,000 jobs in America is better than the thousands Mitt Romney created overseas. (Hold up photo of Mitt Romney wearing a monocle).
You’re welcome, America. Now feel free to turn your attention back to far more important matters, like grown men beating the shit out of each other again on Sunday. Because after Monday Night Football, it’ll be back to how the parties will politicize 9/11. Joy!