We now return with Part Three of our interview with Supreme Court Justices Antonin Scalia (AS) and Clarence Thomas (CT). If you missed them, you can find Part One here, and Part Two here. Once again, the googly-eyed pile of money from the Geico commercials (GM) will be filling in as interrogator. Today we discuss these two justice’s dissenting opinion in Thursday’s decision to uphold the healthcare law.
GM: Obviously, everybody is talking about Thursday’s decision by the court to uphold President Obama’s signature legislative accomplishment, the Affordable Healthcare Act…
GM: Yes, I understand you’re frustrated, but please allow me to finish. First of all, do you feel at all betrayed by Chief Justice Roberts?
AS: Betrayed?! That doesn’t even begin to describe it. We’re goddamn mortified. Right, Clarence?
AS: You tell ‘em. In fact, last night Clarence and I, along with Alito, went over and TP’ed John’s house. Let’s see him get a doctor to help him fix that.
GM: I’m not really sure that falls under a doctor’s purview.
CT: I also lit a bag of dog poo on fire, dropped it on his front porch, then rang the doorbell and ran away.
GM: Very mature, guys.
AS: Hey, the little prick was asking for it. I told him when he was appointed not to cross me, and now he’s seen the full extent of my wrath.
GM: Really, that’s the full extent of your wrath? Some toilet paper?
CT: And a bag of flaming poo.
GM: Justice Thomas, this must be especially excruciating for you, what with your wife having worked so diligently to get the law overturned.
GM: I mean, she was one of the foremost Tea Party activists out there. Some even thought you should have recused yourself from the case. What was your response to those people?
GM: Hmm, I’d be willing to guess things are a little rough at home these days, huh?
AS: Clarence had to sleep at my place last night.
AS: Your tellin’ me. He snoars so loud I had to make him move from the guest room to the couch downstairs.
CT: My back hurts.
AS: And the hair in the drain. Yeesh. It was like showering right after Chewbacca.
GM: Sounds rough. But back to the healthcare law, how do you think being on the losing side of this decision will impact the two of you in a historical context? Justice Thomas?
GM: Okay, Justice Scalia?
AS: Well, when the people of the future Fascist, Communist, Secularist, Homosexual States of America look back on how they got themselves into their lawless, totalitarian mess, I think they will look back on me as a hero who tried to save this nation from itself. My rigid, dogmatic, unwavering pigheadedness is exactly what this country needs, and I think in the future the historical record will reflect that reality.
GM: One other opinion I wanted to ask you two about is the one from earlier this week on the Arizona anti-immigration laws. Justice Scalia, you have been particularly criticized for putting your politics ahead of your judicial responsibility, especially in your written opinion on the immigration law when you pointedly called out President Obama. Are you worried about the appearance that you may be allowing personal political feelings to overwhelm what is supposed to be your objective judgement of the law?
AS: Listen to me, you little punk. I’m Antonin Freakin’ Scalia, ya’ hear me? And Antonin Scalia does whatever the hell Antonin Scalia wants to do. Even if that means superseding my judicial requirement by fighting partisan political battles on the floor of the Supreme Court.
At this point, Justice Scalia abruptly stood up, knocking his chair to the floor, and appeared ready to attack our humble interviewer. The Geico Money waited in vain for Justice Thomas to subdue his colleague, but when that help was not forthcoming our audio-visual crew was forced to physically drag Justice Scalia from the room, thus ending the interview.
We here at Mildly Relevant would like to thank the googly-eyed pile of money from the Geico commercials for assisting us in this interview. Remember kids, according to the Supreme Court corporations are people and money is speech. So the next time you see a bus stop advertisement, sit down for a minute and listen to what it has to say. It’s could be important. Plus, it’s probably getting lonely sitting there all by itself.
We would also like to thank Justices Scalia and Thomas for joining us. We wish the two of them luck in their effort to undermine all the best that this country has stood for in its outstanding 200 plus years of existence.