As the presidential campaign heats up, the issue of illegal immigration has once again risen to the forefront of our political discourse. The problem, as many people see it, is the threat these people, primarily Mexicans, pose to our economy. As we all know, they come here night and day, stealing across our borders, only to take all of the plum jobs that the legal, god-fearing citizens of America so richly deserve and desperately desire.
Now, personally, this isn’t a problem for me. As an investigative reporter in America I don’t have to worry about Mexican journalists coming over here to take my job, mainly because most of them end up getting killed by the drug lords they report on, or they find the type of news they would have to cover in this country – celebrity divorces, dog kennel shows, pedantic political attack ads – to be beneath their integrity. So, when it comes to illegal immigrants, I ain’t worried. I’ve got mine, Jack. It’s the rest of you I worry about. And, sitting here in the catbird seat as I am, I figured it was my duty to go out and discover exactly what kind of a threat these brown people… I mean, scapegoats… I mean, immigrants, pose to our great nation.
It didn’t take long before I came across what is probably the most insidious threat from illegal immigration, which is that apparently it isn’t really an insidious threat at all. According to a report from a well-respected research institute, net migration between the U.S. and Mexico fell to zero a couple of years ago and, if anything, the balance may now tilt toward Mexico. Those numbers led me to some very interesting, and sometimes scary, questions.
1. I find this information almost impossible to believe, especially considering what I’ve been reading and hearing in the news and from Republican congress people. So, where did all of these Mexicans go? Have they invented some sort of invisibility cloak? They are usually small people. Almost hobbit-like. Maybe they figured out how to make that cape Frodo used in The Lord of the Rings. This is definitely something we should be looking into, if you ask me.
2. If this report is true, and we’ve fallen on such hard times that even itinerate Mexicans don’t want to come here anymore, what does that say about America?
3. What is Mexico going to do about all those illegal immigrants streaming across their northern border? They should build a fence or something. Possibly an electrified one. I mean, Americans are really good at breaking into things, and they’re known to carry a lot of guns. That sounds pretty scary to me.
4. Who exactly is this well-respected research institute that produced this report?
Well, it turns out this “well-respected” research institute is the Pew Hispanic Center. Once I realized that, I knew I’d uncovered yet another important piece of information the mainstream media doesn’t want you to know: Illegal Mexican immigrants have been sneaking into this country for years, armed with sociology degrees, in order to take all of our good polling jobs. That guy “Steve” who called you during dinner last night to ask what candidate you’ll be voting for in the fall? His name is actually Esteban. And apparently he’s better with statistics than most people born in America.
As my curiosity intensified I decided the best thing to do would be to get out around America and discover exactly how this wave of illegal immigration was undermining our country. Over the next week I will be reporting from all over our great nation, filling you, the America people (by the way, if there are any illegal immigrants reading this, please shut off your computers immediately and turn yourselves in to your local ICE office) in on how this disastrous wave of illegal immigration has wracked our society and devastated our country. Stay tuned.