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Osama bin Laden No Better Than Depressed Emo Kid

Reports are surfacing claiming former super-terrorist, current ocean dweller Osama bin Laden worried about his legacy, thought of re-branding Al Qaeda and plotted to assassinate President Obama in the final days leading to his own assassination at the hands of Seal Team 6. Documents upon documents are being released that paint bin Laden as a recluse, no better than an Emo kid who locks themselves in the dark, because there is no light in life – or some other bullshit.

“Bin Laden appeared to be deeply concerned that affiliates could go too far by killing too many people,” said Seth Jones, an expert on Al Qaeda.

Because there’s a fine line between how many innocent people you can kill before getting a bad wrap. Just look at our nation’s history. Some of our ancestors essentially wiped an indigenous people off the map, yet today we see ourselves as the beacon of freedom. (Thank God they didn’t have Twitter back then!).

But it wasn’t just the number of innocent people being killed that concerned bin Laden. He also worried Muslims were losing their faith in Al Qaeda, and thus considered changing the terrorist organization’s name. Options included, Muslim Unity Group, Islamic National Unification Party or Monotheism and Jihad Group. No offense, but those wouldn’t have worked either. It seems hiding in a cave like a coward left bin Laden out of touch. You need to hit that younger demographic. Might I suggest Nintendorrism, THE AVENGERS! (of the Great Satan) or Puppies for Radicalism?

Another interesting tidbit is bin Laden’s apparent plan to assassinate President Obama, saying it would force a “totally unprepared” Joe Biden into the Presidency and throw the U.S. into chaos. We almost put Sarah Palin a heartbeat away from the Presidency after eight years with a guy who launched two wars to capture the aforementioned terrorist before declaring he wasn’t actually after him. Methinks bin Laden underestimated the importance we put into who holds the office of President of the United States. So joke’s on you, ya dead bastard!

Surely documents will continue to be released revealing even more insight into bin Laden’s final days. But it already seems his days came to a pathetic climax before his denouement death. Shakespeare would be proud.


1 comment

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    You can definitely see your expertise in the work you write. The world hopes for more passionate writers like you who are not afraid to say how they believe. All the time go after your heart.

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