The Republican nomination process is continuing its inexorable lurch through this country’s nether-regions, and the only thing on the campaign trail more tepid than the support being given to the inevitable winner, Mitt Romney, is the candidate himself. The sixty-five-year-old anthropomorphized sleeping pill even appears to be feeling the effects personally, as his most recent campaign events have featured a seemingly haggard and sickly version of Mitt, his scratchy voice sounding harsher than his views on immigration… Zing.
Seeing Romney’s swift deterioration, we here at Mildly Relevant News decided to launch our own investigation into what might be behind the sinking of the great ship Mitt.
Admittedly, the explanation did seem obvious – age, along with the wear and tear of the campaign trail were finally getting him down. But it turns out the obvious theory is far from the truth. Through some serious investigative journalism, undertaken by our crack team of reporters – most of whom are actually on crack, seeing as how we have a non-existent budget, and crackheads were willing to work on this project in exchange for Capri-Sun juice boxes – we’ve discovered that the reason Mitt Romney has appeared so lackadaisical recently is that he is officially out of fuel.
That’s right. Long suspected but never proven until now, it turns out Mitt Romney is actually a mechanical automaton who feeds on the hearts of illegal immigrants in order to operate properly.
For many years this wasn’t a problem. Illegal immigrants poured over our borders, spanning out across the country. They were abundant and undocumented, making it easy for the shady conspiracy of corporations who created Romneytron to keep their murder and organ harvesting project under wraps. Even when they took the calculated risk of running their Frankensteinian creation for President, the secret cabal of wealthy businessmen who were behind Mitt’s inception thought they would be able to keep his true identity, and means of internal combustion, a secret.
Unfortunately for them, they never suspected that any of the lunatics running against their “man” for the Republican nomination would be able to stretch him out to such extreme limits. This led to an unexpected consumption of fuel, which coupled with the recession-induced decline in illegal immigrants crossing into our country, has forced Romney, his handlers, and their team of engineers – who are, incidentally, housed in a Bond-Villain-esque mountaintop lair – to go in search of new ways to keep their tin man running.
They’ve tried using poor people, but their weathered skin and low calcium concentration have proven insufficient to keep the Mitt Machine running. Similar problems arose with gay people, women, and blacks. Nobody besides Mexicans were able to provide Romney with the mysterious nutritional supplement capable of keeping his well-oiled innards running.
So, what will they do next? How will these fiendish oligarchs keep Romneytron alive and kicking until November? Well, their engineers are working feverishly to find an alternative. In the meantime, it is believed that the men behind the machine are working out an exchange of services deal with some Mexican drug cartels.
The cartels will send Romney fresh meat from south of the border, and in exchange the rich old white men who operate Romneytron will give the cartels lessons in ruthlessness, avarice, corrupting a national government, and bringing down an entire country because you desperately needed a sixth vacation home. Said one cartel leader, who wished to remain anonymous, “These Gringos have much to teach us about greed and infamy. We look forward to learning from them.”
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