Anyone can make a Christmas TV Movie. That’s what I’ve learned over the past few holiday seasons. Networks like ABC Family have routinely pedaled crap to the American public just in time for the first snow. And I believe I’ve discovered the formula behind their craptastrophes.
Take note of their latest abomination starring Saved By The Bell’s Mark-Paul Gosselaar (Zachary Morris) who will be starring alongside Amy Smart (Road Rules) in 12 Dates of Christmas. I shit you not.
Nothing frustrates me more as a professional writer – who has yet to make millions – than seeing this eggnog-vomit getting passed off as a Christmas movie. Putting two attractive white people in front of a camera and having them make out before Santa passes his last Christmas gas does not make a good Christmas movie. Sadly, the formula works for the simple purpose of making money. So instead of starting some grand inquisition against these monsters of television cinema, I’ve decided to join them by pitching my own Christmas TV movie using the formula that oh-so-clearly gives network execs a hard on.
Introducing: TGI Christmas
The formula is quite clear. Take an attractive, memorable ’90′s television star and throw him in front of someone who is equally attractive of the opposite sex. That’s why TGI Christmas will star Boy Meets World’s Ben Savage (Cory Matthews) alongside Tia Mowery (Tia) of Sister, Sister fame, because she’s the first sister who showed up when I googled the show.
I know what you’re thinking, network head honchos. Ben Savage is no Mark-Paul. Fair point. But he’s the Jason Biggs (American Pie) of ’90′s television. Not traditionally good looking, but the ladies dig the nerd within.
Honestly, I haven’t put any thought into the plot, just as I’m sure no thought went into 12 Dates of Christmas. But there are plenty of directions you can take my insult to Christmas movies that ultimately ends with them making out on a Friday, or something.
Cory and Tia bump into each other at a department store, stealing the exact same premise from the pilot of Sister, Sister. They share a glance, don’t get each other’s number and spend the next 75 minutes trying to find each other.
Cory and Tia were childhood pals, dated in high school, went their separate ways, ended up back together and the film ends when Cory finally sees her butt. Again, borrowing heavily from Boy Meets World.
Or you can go the edgy route and simply make their respective parents racist and see what happens. Guess Who’s Coming Diner – TGIF edition.
All three “plots” can end with the obligatory kiss, including a moment where the two pause so Tia can ask Cory, “What’re you thinking?” And Cory responds, “Thank God it’s Christmas.” Or vice verse. Seriously, does it fucking matter?
Point is, ABC Family, Hallmark, etc. – I’m more than willing to sell my soul, write this crime against humanity and take your money as reward. Merry Christmas, you bastards.