Santa sucked this year. That must be why this past Monday saw a record amount of returns for the day after Christmas. But in case blaming the jolly fat man for your misfortunes isn’t enough, I’ve come up for another three reasons for record returns this holiday season.
1. Your Family Doesn’t Know You
This is a common one with giant Catholic or Mormon families that keep popping out kids. These are the monstrosities that TLC films for three months and calls a “family.” Between taking care of the newborns and having uncomfortable, religious sex to prepare for the next kid, the parents don’t really have time to get to know the ones they birthed years ago. So they get you generic gifts: sporting equipment for the fellas and some dolls for the girls. Little do they know, their repressed sons and daughters will all grow up to be gay, starving artists, thus snuffing out their parents’ disgusting, oppressive seed.
2. People Think You’re Fat
Teenagers to adults usually ask for clothing for Christmas. Scientists believe this is because you become less interesting and increasingly boring as you age. But nevertheless, parents and friends are left guessing your size when clothes shopping for you. Some will go ahead and simply ask you for your size, but girls will lie or others won’t ask in the first place, otherwise “it won’t be a surprise!”
Well, SURPRISE! People think you’re fat. You had to return your clothing during the record holiday return this past Monday, because the clothes you received were big. The most likely scenario is that the clothes fit just fine, but your pride wouldn’t allow you to admit your plan to eat anything you want has backfired. But it’s possible the items legitimately don’t fit you, which simply means your family and friends think you’re fat. Either way, stores can thank obese America for a record breaking day after Christmas.
3. You’re An Ungrateful Bastard
Seriously? You’re returning gifts the day after Christmas? You’re an ungrateful bastard, you son of a bitch bastard.