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A Day at the Races

The new Republican power couple finally had their coming out party.

The new Republican power couple finally had their coming out party.

I went to the Derby because I wished to live decadently, to confront the essential greed of our time, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had missed out on the debasement of modern America. I wanted to live shallow and suck the marrow out of life … as well as the whiskey out of as many mint juleps as I could expense on my corporate Amex.

I came well-equipped, with a press pass I’d filched off of Carl Bernstein when I crashed his Passover Seder a few weeks previous while pretending to be dating one of his nieces, a high-resolution camera that screamed “Press” since everyone else was simply using their smartphones, and a flak jacket that gave me the look of a foreign war correspondent who’d recently returned stateside.

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High on Koch, Pt. 2

How to make friends and... money. Well, mainly just money.

How to make friends and… money. Well, mainly just money.

This is Part Two. You can find Part One here.

Upon touching down in Nashville and making my way to Chattanooga, where the big Volkswagen unionization vote was to take place, I immediately set to work unveiling the insidious plan of the commie bastards who planned to unleash their pinko agenda on America’s heartland. I wasn’t about to let these fascists work their evil voodoo on the good, kind, God-fearing people of Tennessee, dooming them to comprehensive medical care, competitive wages, and eternal damnation in the burning fires of hell.

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Bike Law Dropped, Human Garbage Responsible

A common sense bike law was dropped in the Ohio House of Representatives due to “opponent testimony.” Unable to reach this “opponent,” we can only wildly speculate what their faulty reasoning was. And so we did.

High on Koch, Pt. 1

My (our?) new overlords, errrr... bosses.

My (our?) new overlords, errrr… bosses.

Time is tough and money is tight in my household these days, what with the Dows and the NASDAQs and the Eurozones and all. You know how it is, you squirrel away a little money, try to invest it wisely, but before you know it you’re in hock to a group of “bankers” who aren’t particularly keen on long-term repayment plans and whose idea of interest makes the term usury look like Christian alms.

So, long story short, I was in dire straits on the financial front, searching desperately for a way to keep my head above water. I had always been told to look for ways to make money with the things I was good at or knew a lot about. I’d tried writing, but, well, let’s just say “lucrative” is not a word usually associated with that profession. I did know a bit about politics, though, and that meant I could maybe find a way to hop a ride on the gravy train that is modern spin doctoring.

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Weak Sauce

Now here's a man who knows how to be a Magical Negro.

Now here’s a man who knows how to be a Magical Negro.

As the world seemingly collapses around us – the Cold War has been reset, Syria is falling farther and farther down the rabbit hole of civil war, an airplane completely disappeared like we’re in an episode of The Twilight Zone, and Brooke Burke no longer on Dancing With The Stars – and President Obama apparently unable to do anything about it, I keep asking myself the same question that nearly every self-respecting American has been for the past five years:

Why isn’t our president a Magical Negro?

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